May 13, 2008...11:59 am
Obama Chooses Alexrod, Beyonce et al for White House Posts
Now that I have helped Obama pick his cabinet, I would like to help him with other problems he is going to face in his First Hundred Days. He needs the right press secretary and there are a lot of gay guys or guys on the down low vying for that job: Chris Matthews, Keith Olbermann, Andrew Sullivan. I would recommend that you do not pick one of them, no matter how great their adulation has been. I know you like adulation, but hear me out. As a gay person, I know whereof I speak. You want Beyonce. You want to turn heads. I am all on board with this hope and change theme now, and I hope that you’ll keep Beyonce in mind. With one of those ear-devices, you can have a smart old geezer like Cokie Roberts giving her all the right words to say.
Your personal secretary. You have to be careful here, because both men and women go for you, and with that trans-sexual appeal (not transsexual, OK) and a wife and kids, you need to pick wisely here. So I suggest Rob Lowe. Definitely hetero, well known from TV, clearly able to do this job and is need of one. Also, too old to cause any scandals with Beyonce.
Alexrod is clearly your Rove. He’s a genius and you have to keep him around, but you need to keep him out of media-view so you don’t get accused of having him as your “brain” like people were always saying about Bush and Rove. I think he should be the butler.
I know the VEEP is on your mind, and I have given some real thought to that, now that we have the butler position filled. See, Bill Clinton and Al Gore are just not the kind of guys who are going to work for you. I know this is hard to accept, that former presidents and Nobel laureates are not eager to serve you, but get a grip. And Bill Richardson, I know he wants that job, but that’s all the more reason not to give it to him. He will still love you, trust me. You have to give that position to someone who will be beholden to you for it. Someone who wants it bad, but is not a loser. But doesn’t overshadow you in any way. I know there is no one like that, so excuse me for suggesting it. I am thinking, Harry Reid.
Now, you are going to say, this campaign is all about change and hope and youth and creativity and you want me to have this old coot as my VP? Remember, VPs are in the background. He helps you with old people, where you don’t do as well, and he helps you with the western rural white voters (oh, yeah, those people again, but you need them, man). The kids won’t care. Then you appeal to the Hillary voters like me by saying this gives Hillary a chance to be the majority leader of the Senate—but then you make sure it doesn’t happen by getting Reid to rig it so that it’s Joe Biden. Everyone likes Joe Biden.
What do you think of my strategy so far? I am going to keep working on this for you.
6 Comments
May 13, 2008 at 12:21 pm
Bill Richardson is certainly a reasonable choice.
May 13, 2008 at 1:37 pm
Beyonce is inspired! I agree with you about Richardson. Not viable. Two people of colour on one ticket is pushing the limit. The older, paternalistic Reid works better, as long we are all selling out to consumer preferences this election. But who do you pick for First Lady, because I think that is becoming a problem for Mr. Obama.
May 13, 2008 at 4:13 pm
I think the VP needs to be a woman, even if Michelle Obama doesn’t like it much, so I say Barbara Boxer. So totally non-controversial and helps him carry California.
Oh, not to diss Michelle or anything, because I think she is getting a raw deal in the press, but she really does not seem to want to be First Lady, so I think she should just hand that over to Hillary Clinton who was actually pretty good at that job, and I would recommend Oprah for press secretary if Beyonce says no.
May 13, 2008 at 5:29 pm
I ILIKE BARBARA bOXER A LOT….. COOL!
May 13, 2008 at 9:09 pm
Yeah, Boxer for Veep. I can envision a movement starting.
May 13, 2008 at 10:43 pm
you made me laugh and laugh…
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